I stumbled onto a wonderful scientific paper regarding zombie behavior and the coming zombie apocalypse; specifically, the paper explains the zombie phenomena using theories of physics and mathematics. It is absolutely brilliant! It’s the first empirical study of zombie theory I’ve seen to date – reminds me of our stab at a formula for predicting the date of the apocalypse here at WeZombie.
The full title of the paper is The Physics of Zombies: Madore’s Rules of Zombie Cohesion, Zombie Cells and Super Cells, Zombie Black Holes, Zombie Cell Stress-Fission and Zombie Quirks. Yes, it’s a long title, but lately scientific papers seem to describe the subject matter (nobody reads abstracts anymore) in the title so you’ll want to read the article. And. You. Should. Did I mention it’s brilliant? Click on the image to the right to view the first page containing the abstract. The entire paper can be viewed as a pdf file. If you don’t find physics and math fun and interesting, you can skip over the equations and get to the practical application examples later in the paper. The article begins with an introduction that is well-written and describes the premise of the paper which is that zombies behave in a predictable manner, specifically their behavior is similar to gravity and molecular actions which can be modeled, and this fact is being overlooked by the zombie community at large. Similar to physics, leaving zombies forces unchecked could result in the creation of a zombie black hole, which, trust me, is not something you want to let happen. The introduction stresses that we must prepare now to prevent this scenario.
The next section deals with some definitions (axioms) that must be agreed upon initially in order to discuss the subject and for the reader to understand the assumptions of the authors regarding customary zombie behavior, and it also describes types of zombies the paper does not deal with (mystical zombies under the control of spells or voodoo masters, etc.). The basic assumptions and characteristic behavior of zombies is described as follows:A) Once bitten and turned, a zombie will seek out human flesh to bite, which in
turn creates another zombie.
B) A zombie will follow prey relentlessly, even risking its own destruction in an
attempt to attack, consume or turn prey.
C) Zombies send out an alert signal when they sight prey, usually in the form of a
moan or other more articulate utterance.
D) A zombie otherwise not engaged in either attacking or stalking previously
sighted prey will travel towards an alert signal given out by another zombie and
will add its own signal to the din created by the first signaling zombie.
E) As long as the alert signal is given by any zombie, other zombies will attempt
to reach the source of the signal and carry out their own capture of the prey being
F) If no signals or attractant prey are present, zombies generally carry out
random-seeming strolls or simply stand immobile. They may also engage in
mindless tasks such as wandering into alleys and “hiding” in abandoned houses
With that out of the way, we can get into the first equation of the article, i.e., Zombie Cohesion. In this first post, I’ll examine this equation and try to explain its relevance, and how it goes against our current understanding of zombie gatherings. Zombie Cohesion is the force between two zombie masses and according to the authors, it can be expressed by the equation below:
What the equation is saying is that there is an attraction between zombie masses than can be expressed as a formula. This equation is the universal gravitational law and is the same equation used to calculate the gravitational attraction force between two masses. This is a genius move by the authors – this is exactly how zombie masses would react to each other, and how there is a cohesive force drawing the two masses together. This is a direct result from the “prey” signal (moaning) released by the zombies. To put this in perspective and perhaps to help us laymen understand, here is an example:
Common sense would indicate that the smaller zombie group on the right would naturally gravitate to the larger group on the left, but the physics of zombies proves that this is not true. The attraction force of the large group (F1) is equal to the attraction force of the small group (F2) – this is the zombie cohesive force. Amazing, isn’t it? Stay tuned for more analysis of this fantastic article – make sure you read it – you’ll be extremely impressed.